I don't need any more friends

I didn't launch a blog to make friends. Besides having a silly page over at MySpace I spend absolutely no time at that site. Nor do I care about the "friends" one amasses over there. It's a silly concept to have "computer friends" and, moreover, a waste of precious time--time that's best spent making precious money.

Hey, it's not like I'm anti-social. I have tons of friends offline...friends, mind you, who are griping at me for not seeing them nearly enough (and their gripes are well-founded, I work way too much and enjoy my work way too much).

I launched my blog little over a year ago, just to find out what this "blog stuff" was all about. I can't productively advise my clients about which programs--and which media--they should be exploring if I don't know the terrain myself. So blog I must.

After about a month of so-called blogging--I say so-called because I was spending most all of my time on my site trying to make it look right--I started venturing out. And that's when I stopped blogging and started building relationships. It's just so natural to me at this point that I really don't think about it. But two things happened this weekend (on top of all that happened last weekend!) that made me think about my friends, and realize how fortunate I am.

First, that picture up there shows two gifts I received from Toby Bloomberg; better known as the Diva. When you first hear the word "Diva," you, or at least I, think of someone who is unapproachable; high atop a pedestal. This is not the case with Toby and she redefines Diva for me.

I've had the pleasure of meeting Toby on two occasions. The one word I use to describe her? Warm. Toby is just bubbling with sincerity and a warm personality. She's just an itty-bitty thing and I tower over her (at 5' 10" in heels I seem to tower over most of my female friends!). And while this is a beautiful picture of her it doesn't do her justice. Trust me that she's even prettier in person.

The gifts Toby sent me are a "Friendship Ideals" book and a soft teddy bear. Yep, even in my 30s with a graduate-level education I love getting teddy bears (and I'm crazy over Mr. Potato Head, but oddly didn't start liking him until a decade or so ago).

Yesterday I was rifling through the fun poems and affirmations in the friendship book and that's when I found my favorite line of the book. What's ironic about the line? It wasn't even a line from the book, it was Toby's inscription in the front of it:

"For CK - who proves that a friendship is "Real" no matter where it's made!"

Folks, it's actually Toby who proves this, not me. But it applies to many of us. And I'll never forget those words. Matter of fact I made sure to remember them daily--I tore the darn page out of the book and framed it (the frame is up there behind the bear but it's hard to read the inscription, sorry).

And the second thing that happened this weekend? I had a commenter at another blog who (rightly) put me in my place. I was venting about doing right by the community and he was very blunt in his response to me. Basically, he told me that not every blog, or blogger, cares about community. The comment could have made me angry. But it made me so happy. (Btw, he is 100% correct and I've acknowledged it publicly and over email).

Silly me has been assuming that everyone has been building relationships. Sure, a lot of us do so in this rockin' community but it's hardly the case for all. The reason for my myopia? It's just so 'real' and obvious to me that so much can be gained through relationships that I can't understand why anyone wouldn't want to build them.

In fact, the number one piece of advice I have for any blogger is this: Don't focus on how well your blog is ranked, focus on the relationships you make through blogging. Rankings come and go, but relationships evolve into colleagues and friends (if you treat them with respect and care).

I don't expect everyone to understand or want to make friends through this medium. Let's be honest, it sounds really weird. And we all have enough friends offline. But to readers who are new to this blog--or new to blogging--I ask you to be open to it. Why? Because in being open to it I now have real friends (and have met nearly 50 in person so far, some at conferences for a few minutes, and many I've been fortunate to spend some one-on-one time with) from all over the U.S. and all over the world.

Friends I expect to have and treasure for life.

But hey, who needs more friends when your time can be spent making money? (psst: friends may not make you rich, but they'll make you wealthy in the ways that really matter.) Toby, I'm sorry that I ripped-up part of the book you sent me. But I need it on my desk where I can always see it. Hope you understand.

P.S.: Speaking of newfound friends...over the next month (and some in the next week!), I have Sean Howard (Toronto, CA), Liz Strauss (Chicago, US), Kris Hoet (Brussels, BE) and Mark Goren (Ontario, Montreal, CA) coming to town. Mark Goren is really coming to meet Kris Hoet, but hey, I get to hang with them, too! Thanks for making time for me while you're in the Big Apple folks; that's the mark of a true friend.

Comments

[mindblob]

"...friends may not make you rich, but they'll make you wealthy in the ways that really matter" - Yes!

The great thing about all this is that "friends make you see things better through their eyes" (a friend of mine told me this and I feel the same way too), they make you discover reality from a better perspective. From that perspective, you should get a better vision. Better vision should also help you become a better professional.

Time does not matter. The nature of our intentions does. It's not the destination that matters, it's the journey. And sometimes... it just feels good to be human and forget about time. :)

[Toby]

CK - WoW. You continue to amaze me. I'm thinking of using your post for holiday cards (smile). Seriously, I am humbled and honored by your kind words. But mostly I just wish you were 'round the corner so I could give you a real hug! The frustration of global friendships.

Many people don't understand how the internet works as a catalyst to build relationships which can lead to friendships which can evolve into a community. Why is that important from a business perspective? Simple. People like to do business with people they like. (That extends to brands.) Building a business community is not necessarily about singing Kumbaya but expanding a resource network. However, if you are lucky to have a CK on your side that resource network might turn into community of real friendships. Thanks to you CK for all you do.

[Mike]

Man am I glad this post wan't what the title lead me to belive it was going to be.

Just last week a new graduate asked me the secret of my (supposed) success.

My answer: Being able to pull out my cellphone and call 712 people and not have to say anything except " Hey, it's Mike."

As for rankings, Bleeaaahh ! Who cares. I concentrate on finding ways to help my friends make more friends, which makes 'em more money.

Thanks for a great post ... as usual.

If you ever get to Louisville, dinners on me.

[CK]

Luc: Better vision does lead to a lot; including better professional decisions (and friends in faraway places that teach us how to make the world smaller).

Toby: This resource network is so vast. And you really just have a way with words. Sorry I tore up your book ;-).

Mike: You got a deal. I was just in KY last May but I love 'Loo-A-Vull' (not (!) 'Louie-ville' as I was taught by the natives). Love your advice - now YOUR words make for a terrific post!

[Mark Goren]

Beauty of a post, CK. But I must correct you, not once, but twice.

1. I'm not making time for you when I come to the Big Apple, I'm making time to come to the Big Apple to spend time with you and Kris. Hey, it'll be our third trip down since March and, cool for me, I'll have had the opportunity to sit with you two of the three times.

2. No biggie, but, we live in Montreal, which is in Quebec. I have lived in Ontario – three years in Toronto and two plus in Ottawa – but Montreal is where my heart and home is, and that's definitely in Quebec. (Sorry, CK, but we're a little territorial up here!)

And, speaking of Montreal, when you coming to spend some time here? It's a crazy beautiful city, particularly in the summer.

[CK]

@Mark: I made corrections to the post--sorry about that! Can't wait to hang with Kris and you in July (warning: it will be hot and muggy but hey, it's still fun in NYC).

I owe you a trip fo' sho'.

[Liz Strauss]

Hi CK!
Yeah, like you haven't me those people already. You know everyone in the universe. You don't fool me not for a second. I bet you even know brothers in Wyoming. I'm afraid to call them, because I'll find out that it's so. :)

[CK]

@Liz: Look who's talking--you're a social media maven! Hey, email me this week so we figure out our time. I want to get some great f2f time with you ;-).

[Dave Forde]

I think the good news in all of this is that this "blosphere" is starting to mature and a lot of the "kool-aid" drinkers fading away, and we can start the business side of things.

[CK]

Hi Dave: Yep. Speaking on the biz side of things, blogging has been great for business. Contacts not only refer work to others but partner up, too. And gaining an expertise in a new medium keep us top of our game. The friendships have been such a huge bonus (and a true blessing :-).

[Connie Reece]

Well said, CK! I've had the great pleasure of meeting Liz in person, and you and Toby are way up there on my list of people I've met through blogging and now want to continue the relationship face to face.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to Twitter, where Drew McLellan (online and now "real" friend) is threatening to send a huge package of beef jerky all the way to Texas just to aggravate me. :-)

[CK]

@Connie: Well a little birdie (in a pink boa) told me that if not before, I'll be meeting the likes of you in October.

[Roger Anderson]

CK,
If you have not been up to Montreal you should go. It's a great town and island like Manhattan. About 2 years ago I lived there for 3 months overseeing a project.
You must eat lunch at Schwartz' Deli - Just go early or late. The wait at lunch time can be 2 hours! It is that good. My other favorite is McKibbin's Pub over by Concordia. On Friday the Prime Rib special sells out by 3. It was one of the best kept secrets in Montreal. I once had dinner there with the owner of the Canadiens. Not hat it was planned we just ended up at the same table because it was so crowded.
In the spring and I'm certain the summer the climb up Monte Royale is a nice one and the view over the city is great. The waterfront is also a fun place with great shops and restaurants.
You can see my second highest priority when I travel is where to eat. Once I find a good place I go there again and again.

Friends are the most valuable things after family.

[gianandrea facchini]

CK, i love the difference between rich and wealth.
Do you remember "Sympathy for the devil" from the Rolling Stones: I'm a man of wealth and taste!

[patmcgraw]

A few months ago, I realized that my blog ranking was...how shall I put it...crappy. So I contacted a few bloggers that I read and enjoy.

The overwhelming response was to focus on relationships. (Seth Godin pimped his latest book and offered a testimonial to the crowded blogsphere.)

It's taken me a while to uncouple quality from quantity but now that I have, I look forward to the future with a bigger smile.

[Merrill Dubrow]

CK,

GREAT comments about a true lady! I met Toby way back in 1993 when she was President of the Atlanta Chapter of the AMA and I was president of the Boston Chapter. With every conversation or meeting - I respect her more and admire what she does and frankly how she does it. Toby showed us the blogging way a year ago when we brought her in as a consultant and it was one of the best decisions we made at M/A/R/C Research.

I am new to your blog (thanks Toby - no surprise who introduced me to it) and really enjoy your style, passion and energy.

Keep up the good work.

Merrill

[mchale]

ck,

I know you and your sense of humor so what I "heard" from initially reading the title of your "don't need any more friends" post was your tongue in cheek. I saw it as a juxtiposition of your post just a week before about the incredible burst of affection and respect you received recently with the planting of "A (momma!) tree grows full of joy".

As you know, up until recently I didn't buy this "community stuff" and at the same time I've been pondering the energy and meaning of having a tree planted in your Mom's honor.

I keep hearing "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" which of course is the book about a young girl coming of age in the big city and her being inspired by the young tree that grows out of a crack in cement, outside her bedroom window. That's symbolic of the action your friends took.

It's because we are surrounded by concrete that when a tree grows in the maddening hubub of the blog, it's special. If everyone blogged with the goal of building community, there would be nothing special about it when people do.

I think that the value of the blogosphere is incredibly high because it enables bloggers to deconstruct ideas as much as others build upon them. It's like, "what is the definition of being patriotic"? Is it being supportive of our leaders' decisions or is it the questioning of them?

Thanks for being brutally honest in your post. It is inspiring. You show that plants need rain as much as they do sun to flourish. :--)

To that, belated congratulations and exultations on the tribute your friends made to your Mom. I'm so pleased for you, 2 X :--)

mchale

[Penina]

CK,

I haven't visited your blog often, but now I've just got to make sure I do! What a refreshing post! People like you are part of the world I choose to live in.

Penina

[CK]

@Pat: Yep, I think the case in business and life is to focus on quality. Thanks for stopping by.

@Merrill: So glad you know Toby; she is a classy and kind lady. Thanks for checking out my blog; I cover a lot of marketing and community-oriented topics here. I had no idea (no idea) that I would wind up making friends from launching a blog--but that has fortunately been the case.

@McHale: What this community has done to honor my mother's passing is absolutely incredible. The tree is spectacular and I'm still processing the kindness and beauty of that act. There really aren't words for it; I'll take you to it sometime soon.

Penina: I love your words of "part of the world I choose to live in." We really do make these choices.

[Sean Howard]

What an amazing post, CK.

I've found myself pulled and tugged at to "bring value" and "step up to the plate". After all, my blogging has connected me with some of the most amazing and intelligent people in the world. And sometimes I truly feel out of place in such company.

Your post is a wonderful reminder of what really matters.

Thank you.

[CK]

@Sean: You bring a lot of value and I'm so glad I've gotten to 'know' you over the past month. Better yet, I get to really meet you on Thursday ;-).

[Katie Chatfield]

Oh CK- you've done it again you shiny, shiny girl. Thank you for championing what really matters, what really counts, what really drives us- to connect, to be heard and to feel that we are valued.

What is 'real' life again?

The membrane between the worlds and between each other is thin, thin, thin.

Thank goodness- it allows us to touch each other.

[doris]

i want a friend any part of the world