The absence of fear (that darn lion!)

Fridays are especially tough for me these days. Friday is usually "TGIF!" But now it marks the day that I got that call. Four Fridays ago to be exact. I've never gone this long without speaking to my mother and yet, years from now this will seem like such a short time I've gone without her voice.

As I've said earlier, loss is a peculiar thing. Peculiar in how you process it both consciously and subconsciously and peculiar in that everyone processes it differently. I believe there exist as many ways to experience loss as there are people on this earth. Sure, now I can reach out to others who have lost someone dear and say "I understand how hard this is." But I can never say "I understand how you feel" or I understand what you're experiencing." It's their experience and theirs alone.

Even one of my dearest friends, whom I'm very much like and who lost her father four days before I lost my mother, is processing it very differently than I. Not better nor worse, just differently. After losing a loved one some people change their lives, others change their ways. Some open up while others shut down. It doesn't change everyone in nearly the same way but one thing is certain: it does change you.

A lot of people report 'gaining' after they lose a loved one. Some gain a newfound perspective, a new insight or an entirely new interest. For me it's not a gain, I've lost something. This seems to make a whole lotta sense to me being I'm experiencing a loss. The thing I've lost? Fear. I use to expend (precious) time fearing...do I really have what it takes to pull this off? What will people think if they know I'm not strong? What if I fail and (gulp!) fail miserably? What will people say if I don't sound smart? 

Now I don't care about those things, or not nearly as much. After all, fear is so many times most times irrational and powered by internal forces, not external ones. It's just such a waste of time...when time is all we really have.

Sure, I will always care deeply that what I put out there--professionally and personally--is advancing and adds value. That hasn't changed and I'm likely even more committed to it. It's just that I won't let fear hold me back from trying something, doing something, saying something. So now when I'm concerned or hesitant, I ask myself if it's really the thing...or if it's really the fear... that I'm concerned about (psst: 99% of the time it's the fear).

Throughout my life people have remarked that I'm brave and strong. I've always thanked them for such kind, gracious remarks. But I've never seen this. I've never felt it. In fact, I even made it a point to be more courageous this year (hence that lion up there has been my blog's mascot since January 2nd).

Some say failure is "merely the absence of success." I thought that line was a load of bull. But now I better understand that courage isn't something you gain; it's just the absence of fear. So while I may not have an easy time with Fridays at least the days between them aren't filled with nearly as much fear.

P.S.: When we were packing up my mother's house the last thing we found was a book titled "Courage" that my sister gave to my mother years back. I naturally handed it to her to keep and she handed it back to me and said "This is for you being that the lion is your mascot." Wild how much that lion has come full circle, eh? That darn lion ;-).

Comments

[Drew McLellan]

CK,

One of the things that I am learning was most remarkable about your mom is her gift of teaching life's most important lessons.

Look how she is still teaching you. I suspect that won't change.

I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to meet her in person, but I am sure enjoying getting to know her through your words.

Drew

[CK]

Thanks Drew. Can't tell you what the dedication of the eBook to mom means to me. I've been amazed and comforted by you all. I'm just really working through this process in order to best honor her and contribute back to you fine folks.

[Mario Vellandi]

CK,
seems that you have subtly meditated on the weight and true nature of these unpleasant feelings of fear/anxiety, through retrospective awareness carried over into daily living. By acknowledging these feelings' presence and most importantly not averting them, they naturally subside and a mild form of courage will take arise.
Continue on this path

[Mike]

Wow ! What an empowering post.

If I had read this back when I lost my mother, some 7 years ago, I would have been WAY better off, after a time.

I can only hope that if empowers people who go thru this in the future.

I am going to borrow your sorrow and use the loss of fear to my advantage.

Thank you for taking the time to help those who read this.

[Paul McEnany]

Very nicely said, my dear.

[melissa]

Beautiful sentiments. Have I told you lately how proud I am to have you as my sister?

[Philippe]

There's something buddhist in this post (and in "Advancing through 200 posts") and some lines remind me what the Dalai Lama wrote about loss, fear and courage.

It's impossible to summarize this in a few lines... (very) basically, he tells that fear (like hate, jealousy or anger) is a totally inconsistant emotion. It's a chain of illusions... just like Ego :)

I really like this quote of Yogi Milarepa:
"Life is short and the time of death is uncertain; so apply yourself to meditation. Avoid doing evil, and acquire merit, to the best of your ability, even at the cost of life itself. In short: Act so that you have no cause to be ashamed of yourselves and hold fast to this rule"

[CK]

Thanks Mario and Paul.
Mike: I'm sorry for your loss and I'm glad this helped. I appreciate your comment so much.
Philippe: Thanks for the Yogi quote and for reading and commenting.
Melissa: You're the best sister.